I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
