I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
