Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
