she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
