Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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