We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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