Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
