You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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