My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
