idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
