i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
