i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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