I am midnight drunk by noon
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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