There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
