That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
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I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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40s are totally the cure
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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