i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And my parents said I crawled through the house
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
