The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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