saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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