I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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