if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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