My liver just broke up with me...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
