When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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