my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
