this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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