there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
