i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
4 words: hood of his car
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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