3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
