i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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