I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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