She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
