I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
