my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
