I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
