I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
