you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
