He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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