He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
