my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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