saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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