I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
