O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
