dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
