So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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