apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
