You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
