Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
