She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
