I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
