I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
