mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
