I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
