i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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