I can text with my tongue
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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