i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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