There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
pray to the hookup gods
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize