wakey wakey hands off snakey
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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