her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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