Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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