there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize